Anyhoo, I just decided I'd sign on for the first time in a LONG time.

Some big stuff has happened and I've got stories to tell...
But no one to tell them to?

Interesting.

Anyway, if you do care to talk (and are REAL) come and talk.
I love meeting new people, and I'm open to anyone.
If you do talk, you won't regret it. (:

Myspace: www.myspace.com/holdontonightlove
MSN: rachelxrevenge@hotmail.com
Stickam: www.stickam.com/rachelxschaub
Gmail: rachelxrenee@gmail.com
Facebook: FIND ME. (:

Nor can I eat solid foods.
Soquids for like... a month.
Dang.
But that's okay. I like them for some reason. Haha.

I'll be feeling the pain tomorrow.

But as of now, I'm loaded on heavy-duty pain killers.
Something weird the oral surgeon gave me, then a ton of Motrin and other pain killers.
And anti-bacterials.

Tomorrow I have salt-water rinse my mouth 15 fucking times!
Holy snap.
Lmao.

Oh well.

RachelRenee

All of us will. :( (MN Kids)

<3<3

1994-2008

Rachel Schaub

So anyhoo. I haven't been on much. I've been pretty down. Nothing new. My doctor doubled my dose of Zoloft, and I've been getting worse. That's lovely.

I've been tired and sick. And sad. It's really a great combination.

Rachel Renee

And isn't it wonderful, that after trying to keep her happy,
and stearing her away from suicide,
all she has to say when you tell her that you miss her and wanter her to move back... is "You won't get your way. It's life. It's drama. Why don't you stop being pathetic and deal with it."

It feel just great, doesn't it?
Isn't that what everyone wants?
After trying to fucking hard to have your parents be comfortable with you being her friend,
after many hours arguing with your mom and crying in your room,
after years of doing almost nothing but trying to make her still want to be your friend,
that she just blows you off,
forgets about you,
doesn't care anymore.

Isn't it wonderful?

Rachel Renee

Today I honestly woke up with the fear that I was going to live.
I've realized that depression isn't like an injury that is catastrophic immediately, like falling into a window and having broken glass and blood splattered everywhere, or falling out that window and breaking bones.
It's more like cancer. You go on with life perfectly normal, then you wake up with a seven pound tumor in your brain.

I've been wondering, if I'm one of the people who are just better off dead.
Like people who go on through life, get married, maybe even have kids, then have  realization that their life isn't and never has been worth living.

I'm worried that the theory that on the other side of depression, lies a beautiful life that's actually worth surviving suicide for, will all be wrong. It'll turn out to just be a big dupe. A flat out lie.

I've realized that I can't be happy, even when I try.
I appear to be happy, but I'm not.
Everything is wrong, everything makes me sad, everything makes me cry- school, homework, friends, boyfriends, lack of boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, fear of the future, and just plain fear.
I don't want to live this life anymore, I often times feel that it's not worth the fight.
That it'd be easier to just be another statistic on the suicide count.
Because who wants to live their life unhappy all of the time?

Not me.

Now many people think I'm making all of this up, but how could I?
My feelings are so real, and I try to get them out so that maybe it'll help me a little.
But what I really seem to need is to verbalize it, but I'm afraid that I can't.
I've tried, and I never say what's really on my mind.
Doctors have considered talk therapy, but I'm afraid that I won't be responsive to it,
considering I don't really know what's wrong.
I don't know the cause, other than some stupid chemicals.

I've been thinking for the answer to a question I've been pondering all day:

How can you hide from what never goes away?

Does anyone know the answer?
Or at least think they do?
I'd like to know.

I wish to be different
I wish for this to be over.
I wish to live a life that's worth living.

Rachel Renee Schaub

My question:
WHY?

Does anyone have an answer for that?

I don't think so.

Another thing that I have to complain about is everyone going around saying that they're depressed.
Chances are.. you're not.

Depression isn't just being sad when something bad happens...
It's being sad ALL of the time.
It's from a lack of Seratonin in your brain.

So honestly, don't say you're depressed.
Depression isn't attractive.

And unless you really are, don't say you are.
You probably don't know what it's like to be depressed.

Now maybe you're wondering how I can just talk about this without being hypocritical.

The answer to that:

I AM depressed.
And it honestly pisses me off when people claim that they are and don't know what fucking depression is.

I'm not even kidding.
I'm on medications for depression, ADD, OCD, and bipolar.

So shut thee fuck up.

So anyhoo, I found out about when my oral surgery is going to take place.

December 18th.

Yikes!

You could say that I'm terrified!
But I guess that when it's done, the scariest part of my orthodontic procedures will be over.
Then it'll just be braces  for about another year or a little more.
I'm hoping that all of this will be worth it.

But there's a possibiliy that my surgery won't be worth it and we'll find out that the tooth they uncovering isn't a good tooth, then I'll have to get 2 teeth surgically removed.
But if it is a good tooth I'll just have that one uncovered and have it pulled down into place by my orthodontist.
Then I'll have to get my top bicuspid's removed... ouch
But I guess I'm used to getting teeth pulled... considering that I've had 16 pulled already.
I've been seeing the orthodontist since first grade.
Lmao!

Now I'm really excited for a trip that I'm taking with the school for orchestra next year :D!
I know that we're going because our instructor told us so that we can start earning money for it later in the year.
It costs about $800-$1000, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to pay for it, considering that my mom isn't working and the majority of our money is spent on hospital bills and other bills.
It's pretty horrible.
But I'm excited anyway, because I know I'll get the money some way.

!!Rachel Revenge!!

And that reminds me, I'm only 5th chair violin this year for orchestra... not 9th! WHOOP! (:!
This is like.. epic!:D!

Today I forgot my backpack at school... this is horrible D:
I have homework in three or more classes (I don't remember) that's due Monday.
(I don't have school tomorrow, end of quarter!)
So I'm hoping to be able to pick it up out of the orchestra storage room when I'm at the play tonight.
Although I'm betting that the music commons will be locked.
Just my luck, eh?

Anywho, I've recently had a biiiiiiig argument with my sister.
I'm wishing that I would have went to church last night instead of stayed home.
I might explain later.
I'm leaving now (:

!!Rachel Renee!!

Check'it ;D!

Emmy Fucking Havok $

Nov 2 2008 7:27 PM You know if I had feelings that might have hurt. To bad I don't. This is how this works. You don't like it don't look at it. You have a problem with my pictures or the way I look thats to bad. I'm normal your a skinny anorexic little girl that shoves her fingers down your throat to be skinny, your unhealthy and a sheep. You do what everyone else does because you think it's cool. I do what I want because I don't wanna be like everyone else apparently you do. Now get over your self, get your head out of the clouds and out of your ass. You not that fucking great and your not that fucking awesome. Don't like me, don't like my pictures delete me easy as that. You wanna see someone thats "fat,whore,slut" You have Essika,Mayhem on your friends she's my bestfriend and also told me to say this you have a problem with me you will have a problem with her to. She's not as nice as me either. I dare you to say something to her =)

This makes me laugh. I don't ever recall saying that I'm great or awesome.
And way to threaten me with your friend... how immature.
Also, how the fuck am I a sheep? WTF?

And again with the anorexic comments.
EVERY day someone calls me anorexic, via myspace/school.
I'm not even that fucking skinny.
It's RETARDED.

And maybe this chick should know what she's talking about when she's trying to hurt me.
Know the difference between anorexic and bulimic, slut.

She fully deserved the photo comment that I left her.
If she doesn't want to hear shit about it, maybe she shouldn't post slutty pictures when she's clearly obese. Ooh!

Grow up.

Hatemail doesn't fucking hurt me. (:

And no.. I don't think I'm great or awesome or whatever.
I know that I have my own flaws...
but they just build my motivation.

!!Rachel Renee!!

Also... I'm killen' excited for the next Twilight book!
Everyone's all worried about the movie coming out, but honestly... even as a HUGE Twilight Saga fan..
I don't think I want to see the movie.
I'm afraid that it'll wreck the series for me.
All I know is that that is NOT how I pictured Edward.
That Edward looks like a tool!
Twilight's also become extremely popular in my school, so that automatically wrecks it for me, personally.
But oh well. I was the Twilight crowd before the crowd started ;D!

I have some random school stuff to say.
Callyn got stabbed XD!
And Other Rachel got Strep. HA!
Mara's 2nd chair violin this year, not first. AWW!

Halloween sucked, to be honest.
I was planning on going Trick-or-Treating,
but my BEST friend decided to go with a bunch of people that I honestly do not like on the last minute.
That just made me feel GREAT.
I mean, I can handle hanging out with people that I don't like..
But not people that are extremely mean to me just to see if they can make me cry.
That I do NOT tolerate.

Week #3 on Zoloft. Ooh! Fascinating. Betcha' didn't know that :P!

!!RACHEL SCHAUB!!